How to do your laundry

November 19, 2002 12:00 am Published by

How to do your laundry – An essay by Plutor

  1. Put your dirty laundry in the washer, using your nifty Smart Card(TM) to pay for it. Be sure not to notice that you don’t have enough money left to dry said laundry.
  2. Wait 25 minutes.
  3. Take your laundry out of the washing machine, put it into the dryer, then act surprised when you can’t start it.
  4. Assume you have no money. Do not, under any conditions, check your wallet.
  5. Call your wife, because you don’t want to go to the ATM, and she might have squirrelled some away in a shoebox. Women plan ahead like that.
  6. If your wife tells you to use your precious change, say OKAY.
  7. Go all the way to the other building to add the aforementioned change to the aforementioned Smart Card(TM).
  8. Discover the Smart Card machine doesn’t accept change.
  9. Return, dejected, to your apartment.
  10. At this point, it is safe to check your wallet. You will have a single dollar bill.
  11. Go all the way back to the Smart Card machine.
  12. Discover that the Smart Card machine doesn’t accept bills smaller than $5. Why didn’t you notice that the first time you were there, retard?
  13. Return — AGAIN — to your apartment.
  14. Get in the car, in your pajamas and sandals, go downtown to the ATM, get money, and return.
  15. Try put the laundry in the dryer without killing or maiming yourself.

Note: This entire process works best on cold and/or windy nights. A slow drizzle completes the pathetic effect. You’ll wish you could film your fucking stupidity.

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